Your relationship started out hot. You had sex anytime you could sneak it in. But after a while, the frequency of those middle-of-the-night romps, not to mention lusty daydreams and racy text messages, began to dwindle.
What happened? While it’s normal for the excitement of a new relationship to dwindle, if you’re having sex less than once a month, there could be other factors at play. And the reasons you’re not getting it on as much as you used to might surprise you. From stress to an overdose of technology, here are seven common sex drive killers, and tips on how to overcome them.
1. You’re Too Darn Tired
Physical exhaustion can do a number on your sex drive. “You might be so exhausted physically and mentally that the mere idea of intercourse seems laborious,” says Philip A. Rutter, PhD, a psychologist in Philadelphia.
His solution? Give morning sex a whirl. “Men typically wake with an erection, so half the work is done,” notes Dr. Rutter.
2. You’re Stuck in a Routine
“It’s totally normal for you and your partner to wax and wane on your levels of attraction to each other,” says Rutter. If your partner isn’t turning you on the way he used to, it might be because you’re stuck in a sexual rut. Take the reins and add a little spice to your routine. Consider watching couple’s pornography together, role-playing, using sex toys, or simply trying a new position.
3. You’re Boozing Too Much
Alcohol and sex have a complicated relationship: “Surprisingly, while one or two drinks may put you both in the mood, drinking too much can inhibit a woman’s ability to reach orgasm,” says Rutter. “As for men, too many drinks can lead to erectile dysfunction or ejaculatory incompetence.”
When you’re buzzed, you both may get in bed with good intentions, but chances are that drunken sex will be lackluster (and it could even cause you to make poor decisions regarding protection from STDs and pregnancy). For the best sex, stick to two drinks max.
4. You’re Too Tuned In to be Turned On
Are you constantly on your smart phone, emailing, checking sports scores, or surfing the internet? If technology is getting into bed with you each night, you can count on having sex less often. Not only is it harder for one partner to initiate sex while the other is distracted by a text or reality TV, but technology also replaces intimate moments. If you want to ramp up on lovemaking, take note: Your bed should be used for two purposes only — sleeping and sex.
5. You Wouldn’t Sleep With You
Been feeling less attractive lately? It could take a toll on your sex life. “When men and women don’t feel good about themselves, their desire drops dramatically,” says Rutter. What can you do about it? If your partner’s the one feeling dumpy, share what you think is his sexiest attribute (even if it’s just that hard-to-find scar on the back of his ear). If you’re the one on the receiving end, allow yourself to accept the compliment — and let it turn you on.
6. You’re Too Stressed
No matter what it is that’s making you tense, stressful events that happen outside the bedroom can kill the mood inside the bedroom. “We can’t open ourselves physically and emotionally for sex if we are mentally mulling over stressful events,” says Rutter. Talk to your partner before you go to bed to get these aggravations off your chest. Then you’ll be able to relax and get in the mood for lovemaking.
7. You’ve Got a Bone to Pick
Even minor spats can wipe out the possibility of having sex tonight. Couples with the best sex lives don’t stew, Rutter says. So tell your partner what’s bothering you before hitting the hay together.